LEAVING HOME

Im finally leaving home. Leaving you!I dont mourn.It is without doubt the most courageous and freeing thing I ever did.You had to have the last say didnt you. Had to leave me with a final nail in my coffin.Give me back the keys you said. Its my house and they are my keys.I heard inbetween the lines , you arent welcome here anymore.You finally got your wish. You drove me away. But the victory is mine. Because I chose to stay sane. It will be years before I even contemplate healing. I am on my own in a flat in the depths of despair and grief.I am sixteen years old. No choice.

TODAY
So with my final story for now it is fitting that I am about to go on an eight month closed retreat. I am leaving home.My teacher says that leaving home is the first step.I have more to write but now I prepare to leave home for another purpose. A much greater one.

Dear stepmother I hope I can find it in my heart to heal our karma together.For now all I can do is constantly heal the scars you left on my psyche.They run deep.

If you are reading this I hope that you read all my blogs and come back again. I return in December. Do leave a comment and I will respond on my return.

Eating for love

Sunday was allways a great day, a great day of eating.As a child we try to get love and attention any way we can. So we look at which task we will be rewarded for and we continue to do it if we get what we want.She was a good cook his mistress, my stepmother. So it started with Sunday lunch.By the time a few years had passed I was up to ten scoops of mashed potato. The more I had the happier she seemed. Looking back on it now it should have been stopped.But it didnt end there. We had tea.Tea which consisted of all the cakes she had made and sandwiches and more.You had to eat one of everything, its just what you had to do.So became my learning about food and love.I thing its called abuse now.Then just to make things even crazier she would put chocolate biscuits ona plate in the cupboard and you were not allowed to eat them.So I would take them and hide them somewhere.Food abuse?

Compassion for the jailor

The enemy is the greatest teacher. Without them how could we possibly cultivate patience, grateful to the enemy.

Im not the young girl anymore. I recount this story as an older and wiser woman yet you appear to me in different guises in my life. So I must heal this wound inside.It seems much deeper than any other scars. Why is that. Did you come at a time when I was already broken. Did I make you the worst enemy.There is no excuse for you not loving me.No excuse for you cruelty. It will take time to create compassion for you. I know you had your story too.But for now I must go on with my story of you.If I can find the courage.

My Destruction

Why do I have to look at this. Cant I just put it away in a cupboard. But I cant because something will come to cover it over and I have finished with creating coping devices.I want you gone from every pore of my skin.Because I cant see what I learnt from you. And I need to forgive you and I realy dont want to.

There is not a thing that I can do to get her love. She traps me in her put downs. She assasinates my personality. Such hatred goes inside your bones and in your head. I want you out! I feel you in me today in my face. My face is yours. I fight you, fight to please you. Did I tell you that she hit me. Im sure its not true. Im sure I made it up. Because she told me it wasnt true. Its a secret. Its a secret I dont remember. But Iremember the words you beat me with. The way you made me ugly. I dont know what I ever did but it was never what you wanted.You tried to infect me with your madness. But I am stronger than you think. Such an ugly paragraph that I stop.

Lost In Tears Chapter 2

She moved in.

She moved in to My mothers house.

It was a night to remember because I died a little.

Im crying in bed, crying because I miss my mother and now I know she is not coming back. He comes in to see me. Not to comfort but to tell me I have upset her with my crying. I am to apologise to her. As he leaves the room he tells me that from now on I am to call her Mother.

She comes in and I have to hug her and tell her I am sorry. Tell her sorry for crying for my mother, for crying because Im scared, it all too much. I want her to love me. In my apology I know I am lost now. There is no one to help me. Im alone. Alone with my saddness. A sadness that left alone would bring me to the brink. But that was just the beginning of my downfall into hell.She had only just started and I was going to pay for everything in her life that was wrong.

THE MEETING Chapter 1

It was written in my heart that we would meet. A karmic debt to pay. A chapter of my life which opened and closed the day I met you.
I knew he had engineered it.

The sand the beach.

But why did you bring her to My beach,

My sand, My sea.

Why did you make her my seaside memory.

His distance. My tears. I wanted her to go away. Knowing that if we talked my fate would be sealed. But it was already. You had chosen her.
I knew that from the moment I saw her that all was not well. Its an intuition. In the pit of the stomach. I tried to love you but you never reciprocated. Because I knew when I looked in your eyes that you hated me.Im too young to be hated. To sad and wounded from the loss of my mother to take it.I want you to love me so badly that I will loose myself in the battle. When I left the beach that day the sand under my feet felt warm, but my heart was cold and forboding. How would my life be if you had never met her. Met someone else. Someone who was not filled with rage and hatred. And I the piano players daughter was about to be moulded further into the recesses of my already hurting mind.